Parents and the Childfree, Childless

In the past couple of days or so there has been heated debate if you can call it that going on twitter over the hash-tag #childfree and to a lesser degree the #childless hash-tag as well (though for the most part that tag seems to be not as flame worthy).

I know that I am not in favor of parents in general using the term childfree nor the term childless when they on a temp basis do not have their child or children with them - to me they are still parents regardless of if their children are or are not with them, its just part of being a parent once you have a child that is what you are, you can not be childfree or childless (unless said child passes away for what ever reason, then well that's a different matter entirely which I am so NOT getting into).

I know full well that those of us who do use the term childfree to denote that we do not have children and never wish to have children, just like there are those who use the term childless to mean the same thing, or to mean that they currently do not wish to have children but sometime in the future would like to become a parent or for others who use the term because they wish that they could be a parent but for what ever reason can't so see that using childless is the correct term to use.

Regardless of what hash-tag people use there will always be those who get upset over its use for what ever reason under the sun can be found. Only thing I know for myself is that if I really wished to have a child but because my body can't do that anymore (not that it really ever could thanks to medical issues) hearing those who are parents put down those who use the term childless would make me feel very upset, big time if it is still something that I was trying to come to term with or about.

I find it very insensitive for some parents to say various things about those who can't have children so have embraced a life not of their choice, getting put down because you choose to use childfree over childless can and does hurt some people because within the childfree community many have found friends and the help to move on from what "nature" denied them for what ever reason (and saying adoption is always an option, is wrong because its not always the case - adoption isn't always an option for various reasons that I just am not going to go into that is another blog post entirely).

I can't say that I like all the use of childfree that I see or some of the association that has been given to the term, such as "child haters", "anti-children" and other's that some parent's and in some cases those within the community itself have stated and or used. Yes there are those who do not like children and wish they didn't have to see or hear them out in public, but that is a small number of people who use the term childfree its not all of us who use it, some of us are infertile and have come to terms with not being able to be parents so have tried to embrace the childfree side of things, or some of us have known for years that being a parents isn't right for us so made the choice not to have them by any means possible, then there are those of us who though happen stance of life just never found the partner to have a child with or that said partner already had children who are grown or just themselves couldn't have them.

What gets my goat at times is the comments that we must hate or dislike our parents for brining us into this world if we wish not to be parents ourselves, well I know a few people who this might well be the reason they at childfree, but for the main part I can't say that this is the case that I've seen or heard from those I've talked with (at least within my local community), some of us love our folks we just lack the drive or need to be a parent which has no reflection on our parents or how we where brought up. I few people I know had to actually raise children of other family members and that in and of itself put them off in having their own children (which is in part my husbands case).

My folks where childless, they wonted to become parents and they tried for a number of years and even tried to adopt a child (which fell though at the last moment) they finally had given up and said if it happens it happens if not so be it they will make the best of life has been given to them. Several years later mom gets the news that I'm on the way but do to her age it might not be a valid pregnancy so she might have to terminate it if things don't go well, but the fates smiles on my folks and I was born but unfortunately as some would see it the fates played that cruel joke on them making me unable to have a child myself and having me with a lack of interest in being a parent to boot (which to me isn't a bad thing, but for them it was hard to hear as they had wished to be grandparents at some point in their lives - though that has changed over the years to being glad that they aren't or so my mom says to me time and time again).

So for me I see it as we all make a choice in life, some of those choices are not very popular with those around us or the world in general, but we have made a choice, just like someone who has made the choice to have a child, bring it into this world and to keep it and to raise it. Being a Parent is a Choice, being Childfree for most is also a Choice. One can argue semantics to the cows come home and beyond, it doesn't change the fact that some people will view things one way while other's will view it in a different light - its just how things are on this planet at least how it does seem to me.

You'll Change Your Mind...

As I sit here drinking my second cup of coffee, going though various childfree sites and watching my various twitter feeds with the TV going and Norman at my side on his computer (playing on facebook and chatting with friends).

I'm thinking various random thoughts, one of them is how much more laundry I still need to do and regretting not doing the dishes as soon as they needed doing so now have piled up enough that well its taken three or four times as long to do them as it should - oh well that's what one gets when one gets busy and doesn't do thing right away, you pay the price with less free time open to you to do things you wish or other wise feel you need to do (like go to the pharmacy and pick up your medications).

Which leads me into thinking about other topics and the one that has been on my mind or rather I've been hearing a lot of late (though twitter, facebook and other sources) "You'll change your mind..." weather the commend if from those who can't understand why someone with PCOS would not wish to have children or be it from those who can't understand why I've not converted to Norman's religion that he was raised in to some other topic at hand, there is a lot of comments going on with the "You'll Change Your Mind" going on around me of late.

Now I can understand why someone might ask such a question, because I've said a few times the same deal under various topic headings - now it makes me thing why did I say it and when I hear it my own response to the comment. I've said it under the terms of "you'll change your mind, when your older" in regards to someone who said that they will never find the right person to be with, yet hearing that from a 16 just makes me think that they are young and thus haven't meet enough people yet to make such a statement in a lasting deal, yet who am I to say that when I had people when I was that age telling me that I'll change my mind when it comes to not wishing to have children.

But I can also say that said person hasn't found their one as yet, but nor has she dated since she got serious about her education and is looking to get her education before she starts the dating world, but now she agrees that with time she will find the right person for her once she is ready to do so, since she does wish to have that "ideal family" deal going on.

But I still think about my own what ifs, if N could have fathered children would I still be as strong on my stance to be childfree as I am? If I would still have a child of my body and N could give me that child would I have gone to the lengths I did in the past to make sure it didn't happen. I have no answer to those questions because the past is the past and one of the reasons I chose to date N to start with is because he wished to be Childfree, but at the same time I do still wonder if I had meet him early on in my life (before getting raped, before the miscarriage, etc) would I have put aside my wish to be childfree in let nature takes its course if it was meant to be.

But its the past, I can't undo what has been dun. But I do think that even if I had meet him early on that I would still have kept my childfree status and wish. In part because I've never had that maternal side when it comes to children, I can get along with them for short periods of time, but at the end of the day I do have to give them back because I just can't do the 24/7 deal with them. Though it still is part of my life of "what ifs" because well its something I just wonder about - but see no need to worry about or invest in because its just a quoristy not a driving need.

Thus all those comments of "you'll change your mind" or "wait till when you are older" I have said and I still get told. But I also know that I fall into the general world out there of expecting another female or male to become a parent, even if I am not interest or like the idea, its still something that I expect to happen because its the so called norm and am always pleasantly surprised to hear and meet someone else who has made the choice to be childfree for what ever reason is their own.

Women Are More Then Baby Makers

I was reading over lostlittlepixie’s tumblr posting and one of her posts caught my attention in particular that “simple” sentence, that it actually made me wish to write a response to it, even if she doesn’t read or follow me because I feel her general statment to inculude all women under the same umbrella does us no justice and just continues the discrimination that does on agaist those who can’t or choose not to have children.

I 100% disagree with the statement “its embedded in every womans biological makeup to be a mother, to carry and give birth to this beautiful baby.” I fully disagree because I know that there are several of us who like lostlittlepixie have PCOS who have chosen NOT to have children we have chosen to be Childfree by choice.

For that matter there are many women out there in the general population who have no ticking of the biological clock thus no wish to have children either (who in some cases go to great length to make sure it doesn’t have a chance of happen).

There are even men out there who have no biological desire to sire children, they have no wish to pass on their genes and they have no interest or wish to be a parent.

Having a child (either biological or though adoption) is a choice that one makes, it does not come down to the simple deal of it being a biological necessity, yes one of the possible results of sex itself is reproduction but just because it is one of the possible results doesn’t make it a biological goal or necessity for everyone, one does not need to reproduce to survive/live, if one fails to do so you will not die from the lack of doing so.

Being childfree or childless makes you no less a woman or man then being a parent makes you “all grown up” or what have you. Being a parent is just another choice that you make in life, just like making the choice to live a full and productive life as best as you are able to do so.

I am no less a woman because nature took my ability to have children away or because I chose to be childfree, I am a women regardless of my state of reproduction ability because being a woman is more then having or making babies.

When Marriage and Being ChildFree Collide

There have been various articles in various local newspapers of late, since the US stats group reported that being Childfree or Childlessness is on the rise across the US itself.

Reports from other parts of the world echo this trend, with some places reporting that as much as 35% of the population is currently choosing to be childfree for various reasons and the numbers are growing. The various news articles and reports site birth control, career advancement and meeting the right person later in life as some of the leading causes for this rise in being Childfree or Childlessness.

Why am I using two different terms? Simple answer is many of us who are Childfree by choice see them as two different terms and meanings. Childfree meaning someone who has by their own choice chosen not to have a child and the term Childless meaning someone who isn’t able to have a child but wishes they could have had one some times this is do to being infertile but at others its to do age and no longer being able to have one.

We might be living in the 21st century but for many in this day and age still assume that if you are a married couple that you will have a child because that is the only reason why a couple would get married. Many of us know that this is not the only reason to get married, but it is still one of those reasons that is prevalent.

I’ve read several stories over the years of couples who have been together for several years, then the day comes and marriage is proposed and agreed upon. Yet one area is left out of that agreement, the topic of children. One partner assumes that the other is on the same wave length as them, after all they have been together for X number of years and the topic never came up or if it did there was no disagreement on the matter.

Yet once the agreement on getting married happens one partner finds that they are not on the same wave length as they first though their partner to be. I’ve read this time and time again around the internet and read it in local papers as well (in columns where people as someone advice on an issue). Most of the columnists who answer the questions to have a point that it is something that should have been talked about in length long before getting married came into the picture but as much as that might or might not have happened the person still has to deal with the fact that their love now has opposite views then they first thought.

It can be hard to comprehend what is going on in the mind of one partner who you have been seeing or even living with for months or years. You have transparency within the relationship or at least you feel you have that going on, you share your ideas for the future what you hope to do and what you see happening for the two of you, yes that one area which for many can be a deal breaker might come up but nothing really is said about it. Or if it is there is agreement along some areas but maybe not in full, such as one partner saying that they rather be with you then have a child, yet they would still like to have a child to carry on their family line.

That can be hard to hear if you’ve 100% chosen to be Childfree or if your body has chosen to make that choice for you, and adoption isn’t going to be an option for what ever reason. Knowing that your partner loves you and cares about you but isn’t 100% in your corner on that one area that is important can be hard to deal with. What do you do when your partner wants a child but says they rather be with you then have said child? It can be a tough one, a topic which you need to sit down and really talk about.

In many cases it will just lead to misunderstandings and other issues between the couple as the years go on, it can also lead to one of the partners seeking another who might be willing to have a child with them in the end because their drive to have a child is so strong, that it doesn’t matter what they have told you, they need that part of their life to feel like they have dun something with their life or what have you.

Choosing to marry someone and only finding out after you are married that they now expect you to have changed your mind about children can be heart breaking in the extreme, its like you feel you married a total stranger, not the person you fell in love with to start with. Some people will put aside their wish to be childfree to make their partner’s dream come true, male or female it doesn’t matter one partner might well feel pressured into doing something which they have no interest in doing but do it because they love their partner and wont to keep the peace or similar effect between them. You might even come to love the child that comes if it comes, but you might just as much come to resent the child and your partner who you feel forced you to do something which you wouldn’t have other wise have dun.

It is its own sticky area when it comes to being with someone and life choices you make as a couple. Being on the same page isn’t always an easy thing to be and having open communication between the two of you isn’t any easer. All relationships take work and communication on all levels between the two of you. Knowing your partners views on this at each “stage” of your relationship helps both of you in the long run.

I do not claim to be an expert when it comes to marriage, communication or anything of the like with a partner but I do know what I have seen in person and read from various people over the years, plus my own folks as examples. Thus when I first meet Norman, I asked him his views on children where. This was before we even started dating, his comments and his views on children are what got us into the dating side of things. Because for me there was no way I was going to date anyone who was interested in having them, and since he answered that he didn’t wont any and to add to the fact that he was himself infertile so it wasn’t going to happen just added to my own interest in him.

After dating for a time, I asked him again the same question and I got back the same answer he’d given me when we first meet and started dating. I asked him the same question shortly after he asked me to marry him, and again after we where married and while living down in the US. His answer’s never changed on the matter. Yet for all that knowledge I still had to ask him time and time again if he was sure about it guess because I’d heard one to many stories from other girls about their perfect guy turning tables on them regarding the kid issue that as much as I felt we where on the same wave length I needed the reassurance that we really where, and bless him he fully understood why I kept asking him the same question in various forms.

One thing I did to make sure that my own feelings and why I was asking him as I was about kids was how in the past it had been when holding a baby, it always felt wrong in my arms to do so, even the sight and smell was off putting to me. So when I got a chance to do so I actually held someone’s baby for a time, something I’d not dun since University and back then it had been a really bad experience one that left me feeling very much outside of the female norm and apart from all the other girls in my class. Well this time round it was a little different it still felt wrong in my arms and I still had no idea what to do with it in my arms other then hold on tight to make sure she didn’t squirm out of my arms and hurt herself, but she didn’t feel right in them and Norman actually refused to hold her when he was offered the chance to do so. So I knew then and there that the choice to be Childfree was the right choice for me and for us as a couple.

I know some readers out there are saying “but its different when its your own”, that might well be the case, but it also might well not be the case. I’ve talked to various people over the years and most of them has said the same thing when it came to holding a baby, that it felt right like a warm feeling or the like is what they said it to being. Some said it didn’t feel right, and that when they later held their own child that feeling didn’t change much, when asked do they regret having that child or children several did say that they wish they had been able to hold off till they where better off or at least in a better situation, only a couple of people have actually regretted having a child at all, but since they have a child now they are making the best that they can of it.

So to me that means that there are those of us who have it within us to be a parent, but that there are those of us who might well have it within us to be a parent but for what ever reason its not the right course of action for us to take in being one. Being an aunt or an uncle or even a godparent for us is the better option for what ever reason, and for some of us being that aunt and uncle or godparent is enough to give one that child fix that some wish to have, while others are just happy enough to let other’s have their kids and keep them as far from them as possible.

We live in a world where being a parent is something which is still expected of a woman of child bearing age more so if they have chosen to get married, and the world is geared towards those who choose to raise young, for the good or the ill it matters not its how society in general has developed and just because more and more people are choosing not to have children will not change that area. But we can choose to make of it what we are able, finding those who share our interests and in general doing what it is we love to do, just like anyone else on this planet.

A Few Reference Sites and Articles
* Childlessness Up Among All Women; Down Among Women with Advanced Degrees
* Reproductive Justice Includes the Choice to Be Childfree
* Top Childfree News
* Happy and child-free
* The Rise in Childlessness: Are We Seeing a Childless Revolution?
* Russia To Become Childfree Land Under Western Influence
* Childfree encouragement
* ‘Childfree’ is new word of reproductive choice

ChildFree - Breeder Bingo

There is something called Breeder Bingo which is what many who are ChildFree have heard time and time about their lack of reproduction wishes. The takes on it vary, but the general questions that one gets asked are about the same regardless of where you are from. Here is my own take on the matter plus some comments from other’s that I’ve talked with over the years.

Its different when it’s your own!
That might well be the case, but since I don’t have an interest in having one to start with its a mute point. – Nyxks

Ya I know its different, after you have your own you CAN’T give it back! – Samantha

Your child could grow up to cure cancer!
That’s is not a good reason for me to have a child – Nyxks

If that is something you wish to do, then why don’t you put your money, time, and effort into doing it instead of waiting for a future child to be born to do it for you? – Pamela

People like you SHOULD have kids!
People like me? and what makes me different from those who chosen to have a child?

You were a baby once, too!
Yes and I grew out of that rather fast – Nyxks

And so have been many other people who have created such discord in this world – Tammy

What about the family name?
What of it? my family name couldn’t get carried on any how I’m female not male – Nyxks

Who will take care of you when you’re old?
for this answer its best to read what I wrote on my previous blog near the bottom of the post. – Nyxks

What if your parents hadn’t had kids?
My folks had settled into a childless life before I came into the picture, they had stopped trying for a child and had started living their life as they where able to live it. Them not having me wouldn’t have changed their love for each other, it only would have meant that you’d not be talking to me about this subject in the here and now. Also my folks only ever had one child, they chose not to have more then one. – Nyxks

The only reason to get married is to have children?
No there are many reasons to get married, children isn’t one of them. There are many people who live common law who have children together being married has nothing to do with having children. Also marriage is a relatively new term and concept when it comes to relationships, many years ago – Nyxks

It’s all worth it!
It is? then why are you always complaining about your own kids? Or for that matter someone else’s if its all worth it in the end? – Nyxks

The biological clock is ticking!
My biological clock never worked, so kind of hard for it to tick to start with – Nyxks

You’ll change your mind!
Hard to change ones mind when one is blessed with infertility to start with – Nyxks

If everyone didn’t have kids, the human race would die out!
The human race dying out, well that is possible it could happen, but I don’t see that happening now with the current population and people such as yourself. – Nyxks

But the Bible said “go forth and multiply!”
it does? guess I missed that part .. oh well .. oh and for your information since the bible was written by man of course its says something like that, can’t have it saying “be selective, don’t have kids till you are ready and able to raise them right and care for them” that would be just to complicated. – Nyxks

You forgot the pain of labor and birth!
Nope, that is one major reason why I chose NOT to have children that and I just couldn’t imagine carrying around something the weight and size of a bowling ball for an average of 9 months! – Nyxks

People who don’t want kids are selfish!
No more selfish then those you have children and don’t take care of them – Nyxks

You aren’t a real adult until you have kids!
Great, I never wonted to be Adult – Nyxks

Children are a woman’s greatest achievement!
They are? oh thanks for letting me know that I can’t be a woman if I can’t have a child of my own, very good to hear. How hear this one, if that is a woman’s greatest achievement no wonder we don’t get equal rights with men when it comes to employment. – Nyxks

Don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren?
My folks do not wont any grandkids, and my husbands mom already has several grandkids and great grand kids to occupy herself with, she doesn’t needs any from us. – Nyxks

It’s the most important job in the world!
Yes and its the sort of employment that I myself would never apply for, because its the type of job that I am not interested in apply for. – Nyxks

What’s the matter, don’t you LIKE kids?
Nope, not really. I like them in general but many of them I can do well without knowing or dealing with – Nyxks

The children are our future!
They might be the future, but with how the future is looking they might not live long enough to see it themselves. – Nyxks

Don’t you want genetic immortality?
No not really, its not something which I have any need of or for. If people remember me when I am gone great if not so be it. – Nyxks

Nothing is better than “new baby” smell!
That is your opinion, its not one that I share – to me there is nothing better then the smell of a new born puppy, or a puppy smell in general if you are going for a living thinking being. – Nyxks

Aren’t you curious to see what they would look like?
No, because if I wonted to have that info all I have to do is blend a photo of myself and my husband together to have an idea of what it might have looked like, and in truth I have NO wish or need for either. – Nyxks

Don’t you want to hear the pitter patter of little feet?
I already hear the pitter patter of little feet and in truth I rather hear the click and clatter of paws and claws over little feet any day of the week. – Nyxks

Being ChildFree and Infertility

The world at large is very much aimed at those who have Children or who are children to start with, this world is not always that friendly towards the Childless much less those of us who have chosen to be ChildFree. Some people say that if you have chosen to be ChildFree then you are being selfish, and any number of other self-centered ideas that go along with that notion that choosing to be ChildFree brings to mind to oh so many people. I’ve not had to deal to much with those who can’t understand my choice because its just not something that I’ve really had to deal with, I’ve had the odd person over the past couple of years be a bit more interested in my lack of fertility but for the most part people around me just haven’t made it an issue.

However, there are those out there who do try and make it an issue but for my husband and I its just talking to the wind, because we’re not listening to those people who can’t understand why there is not already a child on the way or why there never will be a child in the picture beyond our four legged pups. I know that my husband has gotten asked by more people then I have why he’s not yet gotten me with child or similar line of questioning in general and it does frustrate him to no end when complete strangers ask him about it.

I know that I am infertile its something that isn’t an issue with me, I came to terms with being infertile a long time ago – I came to terms with it because for me it was a relief that I didn’t have to worry about that one thing in life that oh so many women feel they have to become, or in many cases wish to become. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to have a child of my body was great knowledge to me, it actually freed me from that back of my mind worry. You see I had a standing order with my GP from the moment I became active that should I test positive that she’d send me to get an abortion without any questions, I didn’t wont a child back then I knew I couldn’t support one on my own and I also knew that I didn’t have it in me to be a mother, it just didn’t feel right.

For my husband I’m not sure of his feelings about learning that he was himself infertile, we’ve talked about it yes and he said that he was glad about it, but I do not know his inner mind on the matter just what he has told me when we’ve talked about it. I do know that being infertile for him has caused him a lot of issues when it came to dating other women, since most of them from what I gathered where very much looking for a man who could father their future children and if that man couldn’t do that then they where not interested in him. I can see how being with someone who isn’t fertile could be an issue to someone who wont’s a child, but for some you don’t know that status until you try to do what you most want to be and then find out that its not possible with either your partner or because you lack that ability yourself. It hurts I am sure to learn that because of your partner or your own body that you might be childless (unless you are able to adopt and that is the course you wish to take to become a parent) and have to come to terms with being that way can’t be an easy issue to deal with.

I think for me what has come to offend me the most is those who make the comment, well you can always adopt when they learn that we are infertile, its like they auto assume that because we are infertile that we actually wont children to start with and that they didn’t listen to the first part of the comment in which it was stated that we’re ChildFree.

A convo will go along the lines of
them: “do you have any children?”
me: No, we’re ChildFree
them: “why not?”
me: we’re just not interested in having any
them: “but you would make such good parents”
me: We are already parents, we have two fine young pups that we love very much
them: puzzled expression
me: “not everyone wont’s to have a child, for some of us its just not part of who we are”
them: “but you have dogs, you’d make a wonderful mommy”
me: I love my dogs yes, but it doesn’t mean that being a parent would be a good idea
them: “well you can always have one once you are both settled down”
me: Actually no we can’t, we both infertile…
them: “well you can always adopt”
me: yes we can, how do you think we got our two kids we have already?
them: puzzled expression
me: well anyways, have a nice day.

Well that’s the jest of it some times the people asking the questions are a tad more rude when they hear the term ChildFree, but strangely enough the most people I’ve had issue over being ChildFree are those here online who have read my blogs, tweets or postings on FaceBook – those people are the ones that I’d had most negative feedback from over the years. I think the only reason I get more negative feedback online is because its online and people feel more bold about what they say here then they do in person.

Some of the positive things about being ChildFree that we enjoy are being able to set our own schedule on when we will do something, sleep in, house work, going on vacation and other areas which we just wouldn’t be able to do if a child or even children where in the picture. Being able to get the last minute deal for a vacation is something that’s become part of the plus side of things since it helps keep the budget in line but also means you can have that vacation you wont without worrying if it will interfere with a little ones schooling or the like, that and we can avoid that march break fever that most parents have to deal with when it comes to getting vacation time.

I know many people think that because one is ChildFree that they don’t have a home life or that they have more time on their hands then a parent. Well for some that might well be the case, but many who are ChildFree use their spear time by volunteering for various organizations that help within their local community, some such organizations are there to help Children, others the elderly and even animals depending on what area the ChildFree person or couple wish to help with.

I also don’t think we have more money then a person who has chosen to be a parent, we work the same work week as a parent does when it comes to employment, maybe not if you count the time off a parent takes for their children but in general the pay is the same between us. We just do not have the same expense of raising a child that they have and that expense can for many show in how one makes choices in what they buy or when and where they can travel.

The argument “what about when you are old” is an old one that many who are ChildFree hear at one point or another, and like anyone who is a parent we have the same issue when it comes to age. There is no garentee that when you are old that your child or children will be there to help you out, there is ever good reason to see that your child or children will have nothing to do with you and that you will sit in a nursing home like oh so many older people do in todays world, you will be lucky to see your children a couple times a year in many cases depending on how your lives have been.

How can I say this? Very simple, I have volunteered at a local nursing home and I have seen many seniors who are there and many of them have children even grandkids yet they are lucky to seem them a couple times a year for what ever reason, a few of them will see their kids a couple times a month but those are the exceptions it does seem to the almost rule.

I know when my own granny was in a nursing home I saw her a couple time a week while in high school – I’d take my lunch hour to walk to where she was living and spend it with her, then walk back to school. I might not have spent hours with her, but I did spend time with her, as a result when my folks took me on the weekends to see her I’d go off and visit with other people in the home who hadn’t had anyone visit them in what ever amount of time. Many of these ladies where happy to have a young person who was interested in taking the time to come and see them, never mind just sit there and listen to any tale that they might wish to tell. I learned some good history from these people about how they grew up and about WWII in general.

For many I was the only person other then staff who they would see, one lady the only word she ever had from her daughter where a few cards a year that she couldn’t even read – so staff had to read them to her when they had time to do so, but more times then naught it would be months she’d have to wait before she’d be able to know what the letter said, so I made it my own mission to check in with her and if she had a letter to read it to her. Here was a lady who had a daughter and in one letter she learned that she was now a grandmother yet she would never see her grandchild save for a picture that she wasn’t able to enjoy because she couldn’t see it well enough to make it out.

So the argument that your child will be there to help you in your old age for me just doesn’t work, I’ve known to many ladies in my young life who have little to no contact with their own children for what ever reason and I know how unhappy that made them if not a little bitter in a couple of cases. Having a child is no garentee that when you are a senior that they will be there to help you or even see you once they have their own life, gone are the days when three generations or more living under the same roof – yes I know it still happens, but its not as common as it once use to be.

We all make choices in life, some times those choices are easer then others and some times a choice is made for us that we have to learn to live with as best as we can, but regardless being a parent is a choice that someone makes just like being childfree is a choice that one makes, in the end when all is said and dun it comes down to having made a CHOICE and living with that choice.

Being ChildFree and Dating Deal Breakers

There has been a talk going on a few of the ChildFree lists that I am on in regards to what one’s dating deal breakers are or have been in the past, and it got me to thinking about some of the areas that I had when I was myself looking for someone to share my life with.

When I was once looking I really didn’t have an issue with the person I was dating having children or not, but there where qualifiers to that.

was that the person NOT be the primary caretaker for the children
that they didn’t wont any more children
would be willing to make sure that couldn’t happen if they where a male
if there where children that they are pre-teens but over the age of 3 (I just know that I can not deal with babies and teens are hard enough to deal with in the school environment, never mind the home front).
On no terms would they call me mom or mommy, first name deal or a nick would be used
There was some other ones, but I don’t remember them since well I only ever dated a couple of people who had children to start with, most bailed on me when they heard the term ChildFree or that I was Infertile.

In general when I was dating my main deal breakers where…

Drinker (I do not drink, so for me anyone I am with shouldn’t either – a single cooler once a month or couple times a year to be was acceptable, but nothing stronger)
Smoker (this was one of those areas that wasn’t hard to find people who where older who didn’t but my own age group is was next to impossible)
Drug User (enough said)
Being Abusive background (I fell into this trap once to many that I wasn’t going to fall into it again if I could well help it)
Being a religious fanatic or similar deal there of (you can follow your own path, but forcing it down my throat or trying to covert me over big deal breaker)
Being intolerance of someone who is Pagan (I’ve walked my path for 20 plus years of my life, its part of who I am at my core so anyone who couldn’t take that part of me I wasn’t interested in dating)
Someone who worked at the same company I did (might work out for some, but I just wasn’t in to that deal, if we ended up working together at a home business or the like later on that was a different matter)
Like all things there was other areas that came under the deal breakers, but there where also flexible deal breakers that I might over look if there was something else going on that found deal breaker wasn’t that much of an issue (as in current smoker but was in the process of quitting and was showing progress about doing so).

We all have things we look for in a partner weather one is looking for that person to marry or to just be a companion for the rest of their life – we all have things we look for and things that just are not going to work for us regardless of how well we like or get along with the person.

Being ChildFree is no different when it comes to looking for that special person in ones life, we all have an idea of what it is we wont out of a partner and what we are not willing to do within a relationship, such as having a child of our blood or becoming a mom to a step child. There are people who draw the line at dating those who like dogs or cats, just as there are those who draw the line at dating anyone who has cats, but will only date those who have dogs and vice versa.

When I was looking for a person to spend my life with, I was looking for…

Someone who loved and/or had dogs, but who wasn’t into cats and who liked or at least was willing to live with parrots.
Someone who would love me for who I am and not an ideal that they wonted me to conform to.
Someone who could deal with having a partner who was diabetic and all associated issues that can come with being one.
Someone who could deal with my asexuality and lack of sex drive and not feel the need to try and fix me when there is nothing wrong with being asexual.
Someone who was pagan or at least open to pagan beliefs in general
Someone who loved to travel and see parts of the world as time passes
Someone who either identified as being Furry or who was at least understanding of furies
Well for all of the listing of things I was looking for in a partner I did find a good number of them in my hubby, some areas I didn’t even know I was looking for and other ares that I wasn’t to keen on well they really don’t make a difference between us as I thought they might (such as our ages only being just over a year apart, I never though I’d get along with someone my own area this well, since its not been my own track record over the years I was dating).

So those where some of my deal breakers and other things I once use to look for when I was on the dating market. Not much different then those who are not ChildFree in many areas but different enough that it made dating its own night mare from time to time.

Well hope everyone has a wonderful May, take care and write more as time does allow for it.
Nyx

PS: wont to interact with me? connect with me on Twitter to do so.